Right Wing Mom

So, it’s been 4 1/2 weeks since I gave birth. Everything should be back to normal, right? Clean house, laundry all caught up, dinner (and breakfast and lunch) from scratch and on the table every night, school all caught up, me showered and dressed by 8am everyday… RIGHT?

Ok, ok… stop laughing. No, seriously… stop, please.

Sadly, this is what I was expecting of myself. Not even at 4 weeks, but at 2 weeks. Oh yeah. I wanted everything to be up and running smoothly and perfectly at 2 weeks postpartum. Why yes, I am a bit delusional, thank you for asking.

It had been a rough couple of weeks for me. You see, stuff needed to be done. Lots of stuff. All I had to do was ask. Just ask.

I couldn’t do it. I could not ask for help.

WHY?

Good question! I’m still trying to figure that out.

The only thing I can blame it on is genes.

I come from some mighty pigheaded women!

My Mom is pretty pigheaded but nowhere near as bad as my Grandmothers were.

Woo-Baby! They took the cake!

My Mom’s mom, Grandma Tippie, was widowed when my mom and her sister were in the early teens. She had to provide for her and her daughters. She played the organ at church, baked and sold cakes and made their own clothing. Before she passed away, she was in an assisted living / nursing home. I felt so bad for the people that took care of her. She was never mean or anything. But don’t you dare tell her what to do!

My Dad’s mom, Grandma Iva, was even more stubborn that Grandma Tippie I think. She was a VERY headstrong woman. She birthed 7 children, losing one in infancy. She was strong and gentle all at once and I never saw anyone mess with her.

The way I look at it, I have a couple of strikes against me - Lineage (those crazy woman that I am related to), Red Hair (infamous for stubbornness) Irish, Scottish and Hungarian ancestry (how’s that for a crazy mix of temper and attitude?) and I was born April 30th making me - a Taurus, you know, the Bull.

I’m not sure if I was always like this, but it is so hard for me to ask for help. I will nearly kill myself before asking for help. So, you can imagine what it was like around here the past few weeks. Me being physically unable to do somethings and yet not wanting to ask for help. Which just made me angry, because things weren’t getting done (My poor husband!)

I am happy to report though - that I did ask for help, eventually. After crying and yelling and being mad at Marc. I stopped one morning last week and through my tears prayed. I prayed that God would make Marc see what he was doing wrong and how he NEEDED to help me! Then I prayed for forgiveness and prayed that God would help me do my part too.

Amazingly, it worked. I asked, Marc helped. I felt much better.

Things have cleared up around here and Ihav estarted to get our act together. By “our” I mean the entire family and house.

I am working on “THE MASTER PLAN!” A plan / schedule that includes cleaning, food, laundry and school. Its coming along nicely and amazingly enough… things are once again getting accomplished! Woo-Hoo!

If anyone is interested, I will be more than happy to share it once I finish.

My goal for this next year is to release myself from the perfectionism I struggle with sometimes and to occasionally, when I REALLY need to, ask for help.

I love a good birth story, don’t you? I love to tell mine and I love to hear other peoples! For some reason I just don’t know how to start this one, so bear with me, ok?

I had been having some really good Braxton Hicks contractions since the day after Christmas. I actually called my midwife on Dec 26. I think I knew that is wasn’t the “real” thing, but they were just consistently coming. After a nice warm bath and a glass of wine, I went to bed and away the contractions went.

On Dec 30th I had, what I had hoped would be my last midwife appointment. I was, at that time 39 weeks and 3 days. Cathy offered to check me, and although I was a little worried about being let down if nothing was going on, I decided to go for it. I was happy to hear that I was 2-2.5 cm dilated and that Luke was real low, about at a +1 station. Woo-Hoo! This made me a real happy camper and I just KNEW that he would be coming any day!

The next day, New Years Eve, I was very crampy. Marc, myself and my SIL Haley, who had driven down the night before, were convinced that we were going to have a New Years Eve baby. Haley and I took a trip to Archivers to spend our Christmas gift cards and to keep myself preoccupied. I was spotting a lot and having some good “practice” contractions and honestly, couldn’t believe that I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning still pregnant and feeling totally fine.

So, New Years came and went and I was feeling fine. Totally normal.

Then came Sunday, Jan. 3rd, my due date… still feeling fine and normal. This was kind of a neat day for me though.

Throughout my previous pregnancies including this one, I always wanted a belly shot. You know those super cute semi-nude “Look at my big beautiful belly!” type pictures. Problem was… I never had the guts to take one. I have always struggled with body issues (like who hasn’t!) but the main source of irritation has always been my belly. After hitting puberty, I developed a pooch and even after bootcamp, when I was in the best shape of my life, I still had the pooch. Now imagine that pooch after having twins! YIKES! Plus, I never seemed to carry my babies in that cute little basketball shape that looks so adorable in the pregnancy pictures, mine is more like the “I swallowed a watermelon sideways” look, which doesn’t necessarily translate into a cute photo!

Needless to say, skipping the belly shot was even easier with Jake’s pregnancy and Emma’s. But on Jan 3rd, Luke’s due date I decided to bite the bullet and document my big beautiful belly! Here it is courtesy of my wonderful hubby! It may not be the best, but it is of me and my baby and I am SO HAPPY I did it. (Of course posting it on the web is a new level of crazy I can’t believe I just broached!)

Back to the birth story…

Wednesday I had another midwife appointment. It was semi-comical when I walked in and Cathy said “I can’t believe you are here!” Oh, me neither girlfriend! Me neither! I REALLY did not think I would be making that appointment, but there I was - 3 days past my due date. I should mention here that on this day I really started telling myself - “Well self (yeah, I so don’t say that, but it sounded funny) its not called an “ESTIMATED” due date for nothing.” Of course, this is also about this time that I started really questioning my body’s ability to go into labor on its own. Was I broken? Was I capable? Would it happen?

You see, I was induced at 39 weeks with pitocin with Kaitie and Mandy. I was induced with pitocin at 37 weeks with Jake, after my water broke and labor didn’t start. I drank castor oil at 40 weeks 4 days with Emma, because I had the same worries then… was my body capable of doing it on its own? I chickened out, I guess.

On Wednesday morning Marc and I had a talk regarding what I was willing or not willing to do to “bring on” labor. As my appointment started I still wasn’t sure, but I had been praying for some guidance. Cathy offered to check me again and made sure that I felt no pressure to do it. After a moment, I accepted. I realized at that time that any checks and things of that nature, were, well, kind of normal to me and that I could accept that as not intervening and be happy about my decision.

Luke was at a +1 station, I was now 3-4cm and about 70% effaced. She stripped my membranes a bit too and told me to go home and get some “Hubby Hormones” to perhaps, help things along.

Well, that evening, after just a small bout of mild cramping that afternoon, I was back to feeling completely normal and started worrying again. This time however the worrying went a little deeper. I was again, back to my early pregnancy anxiety. Mainly - “How am I going to be able to do this!?!” Mothering 5 kids? What in the world!?! Homeschooling, laundry, cooking, chores, Marc, me. HOW WAS I GOING TO DO IT!?!

Marc suggested prayer. Yeah, I knew I needed to pray. I needed to turn those burdens right over to God. Why is it in those times, it seems hardest to pray? Maybe its just me and my darn pigheaded stubbornness, but it is so hard for me sometimes to turn to God when I need help.

Thursday morning I woke up a little early. Everyone was still asleep and the house was so peaceful and quiet. Alright God - its you and me! I prayed. I prayed for peace and acceptance. But most of all I thanked God for all the blessings he has given me. My wonderful, hardworking husband who lay beside me. Kaitie and Mandy, my precious firstborn children who help me so much everyday. Jacob, who has taught me more than anyone and Emma, my sweet baby girl.

That day I felt a peace sweep over me and an understanding that just kind of put things into the right perspective for me.

I was able to have a relaxing day and I was able to go to sleep with a much lighter load on my back.

I got a full night of peaceful deep sleep that night, waking only at 8am with what I soon realized was a REAL contraction.

To be continued…

I swear I will get back to “regular” blogging soon… totally promise!

I was able to get my external hard drive this week and have gotten a couple of photo files transferred over. However, I am having some major anxiety over deleting these files from my main hard drive. What happens if the external drive crashes? AACK! Crud, I hate being anal sometimes.

Ok - on to the weight loss.This past week was a rollercoaster. I guess I will get right to the “low point” and go on from there.

Sunday afternoon we finally had a little birthday thing for Emma. (48 days late… but who’s counting, right?) We had a couple of friends over (HI Nancy!) and enjoyed some pizza and carrot cake. My plan was to chow on some salad, skipping the pizza altogether and “indulging” in one cupcake. ONE.The salad went fine, and so did the whole cupcake thing. But then, our friends left and I was left with leftover pizza and carrot cake. Did I mention I make a mean carrot cake and that it happens to be like, my favorite thing? I do… and it is.

I started adding up my calories and talked my way into being able to partake in “just one more” cupcake. Of course that one more piece turned into one more, plus extra frosting and half of Emma’s cake that was leftover… and 4 pieces of pizza.

I felt like a fat beached whale. I was sick to my stomach and felt a hint of failure. Praise God it was only fleeting. I had felt these “issues” of mine that I struggle with creeping up over the past week and had been praying about it. I felt like Sunday evening, God just scooped me up, gave me a whack on the rear and said “Get back in the game girl!” And so I did.I realized that if I wanted to make my weight loss goal for the week, I was going to need to step it up for my workout Monday and Tuesday. I knew it would stink - but that was what needed to be done. My goal was to burn 1000 calories on both days. I got to about 875 Monday. Tuesday my watch battery died! But, I worked about the same as I did on Monday.

The result?

Down 3lbs this morning! WOO-HOO!

Still not happy about bingeing. But I took responsibility for it and got the work done.5 down - 65 more to go

Check out Happy To Be At Home for more Weigh-In Wednesday!

So, as you can see I did not fall of the face of the Earth. I just haven’t been in much of a blogging mood and when the mood has struck I can’t think of anything profound to say and for some reason, I felt like I needed to be profound. (and write really long run-on sentences too)

I can’t believe its December! Holy cow! Where did this year go? Did you know that my little baby Emma will be one year old Tuesday? Weird huh? It makes me want to cry.

In other news, our trip to Slidell was great! We had a wonderful time catching up with some old friends and meeting some new little ones that have been added the past few years. Jake made a two new friends, Wyatt and Jeffery. Kaitie and Mandy got to spend the night with their friend Emily.

The whole reason for our Slidell trip was to visit our friends, Adam and Andrea and their little one Aashini. You should really check out their blogs. They are living in South Asia and doing some awesome work for the Lord. Don’t tell them I said so this… but they are kind of like my heros now

They have actually inspired us to do something cool this year for a family Christmas present! We are going to sponsor a child through Compassion International! If you aren’t familiar with this organization, please check out the link!

Also… if you are looking to do a little extra giving this time of year, may I suggest International Mission Board. This organization helps people just like Adam and Andrea to help spread the message of the Gospel. I bet by doing this… you can pretty much guarantee that you will not be on the naughty list this year

And finally… Thanksgiving! What a great day We had some wonderful friends come over and ate way too much food. I was actually thinking of taking some pictures of the feast, but I totally forgot! (Just like I totally forgot to take my camera to Slidell - duh!) But, I will tell you what I prepared! The menu was:
Fried Turkey (Marc took care of this and did a wonderful job!), Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potato Casserole, Green Bean Casserole (from scratch… and oh baby! Yummy!), Corn Bread Stuffing, Yankee Stuffing (what I grew up on) and Honey Butter Rolls. For dessert we had Pumpkin Pie and Pecan Pie (another killer recipe!) Please let me know if you are interested in any of the recipes

I had a real bad day today. It started off fine - but turned south real quick.

It has to do with my son. Man, I love that little kid. But, he’s got some issues (don’t we all?)

I’m not going to sugar coat this, I’m going to keep it real.

Jake is awesome! I love him so much. But he makes my heart hurt sometimes. He struggles with his emotions so much. He can be so kind sometimes and so sweet. But there are some days where I don’t even want to be around him. He has gotten kicked out of 2 different gym programs, kicked out of the day care at our gym a few times, finds it real hard to make through Sunday school and has been dragged out of numerous stores and restaurants.

I see the looks. I know what they are thinking. I used to give those same looks to other moms. Now here I am, at the receiving end - “that” kid… he’s mine.

We love him. We spend time with him. We discipline him. We are working with him. But, somedays, he still acts that way.

A few weeks ago, he got upset and messed up a board game that he and another kid were playing with. He apologized and so did I. After his outburst, I think he handled himself quite well. But, there was another mom in the room. Another mom who proceeded to tell me that we should try an elimination diet with him. I told her we were. But then she went on to seemingly diagnose my son. We need to take him to a doctor, get him diagnosed, put on meds, he is probably bipolar, he exhibits so many signs. I was so taken aback with what was coming out of her mouth that we quickly left. Then as we drove away, I broke down crying.

My biggest concern in life right now is how people see Jake. A few have been able to break through and se the real him. My sweet, kind gentle baby. But some, including some family, find it hard. Yes, it makes me angry, but most of all it makes me sad. They are really missing out.

I know he is hard to be around sometimes, remember - I live with the kid!

I got over her remarks. I realized how silly it was to listen to a woman who has been around him in 10 minute increments, 8-10 times, in a place he hates, with very little to do.

I got over it. Until today that is. You see, I had told a mutual friend, the mom of that boy he was playing with that day, that what she had said really upset me and I couldn’t believe that she had never really spoken to me before and jumped all over me with what she perceived wrong with my son. Not sure what happened after that, but as I was sitting there today, with Emma on my lap, watching my girls in class, she comes over to me and proceeds to, well, start a fight. She yelled at me for talking behind her back. So quickly I was whisked back to high school - here I am a 35 year old woman, being yelled at by a woman who is at least my age for “talking behind her back.” Wow.

I raised my voice back and we went at it for a few minutes, in a room with at least a half dozen other moms. Not my best scene. I am happy to report that I didn’t curse and I didn’t say anything off color or below the belt. I wish I could say the same for her - she actually, at one point, in not so many words, called me fat. LOL… ok I am, but seriously, she called me fat?

She left. I sat, trying to get the adrenaline under control. When I realized I was probably going to start crying, I left. I called Marc and cried the entire way home.

It is now 10:15. This happened around 1. I am still dwelling on it. I’m not sure I would have said anything different. But, as the day has gone, I am really wishing I would not have raised my voice. I feel the Holy Spirit was with me. The “old” me would have gone way off! But, I really wish I would have let that Holy Spirit in a little more and remained a little more in control.

I won’t see her again until at least Monday, more than likely, not till next Friday. So, I am asking you guys - what do you think I should do? Marc’s solution involved somename calling I think, so did my Dad and Uncles’ (must be a guy thing.) I’m not sure what to do. Should I just let it go? What do you think?

What a great weekend! This was our second year going to the Mother/Daughter Retreat at Camp Peniel, which is located in scenic Marble Falls, Tx!

I will try and guide you through the weekend in pictures I hope you enjoy!

We left Friday afternoon, driving to camp with our friends through the beautiful Texas Hill Country.

We checked in and were lucky enough to get put into one of the new cabins! Woo-Hoo! Camping in comfort… what it’s all about.

We had some yummy dinner, sang a few songs and had some ice breaker (ie:silly) games in the athletic field before turing in for the night. Sadly I didn’t get any pictures of this.. but, c’mon! I was trying to play games and eat and stuff with a baby strapped on my chest, you want me to take pictures too? Who do you think I am Wonder Woman?

Saturday morning, we had a yummy breakfast and some praise and worship time before listing to our guest speaker. Then it was free time!!! So, the big question then was what to do?Well, first we chose to visit the horses. Kaitie and Mandy went on a 45 minute trail ride,while Emma and I hung back and relaxed. Miss Tara, who helps run the corral with Cowboy Josh,took Emma on a little ride. She looked so cute!

Then we visited the Archery Range. Both girls did really good! Emma just hung out in the sun on her blanket.

After lunch (oh yes, we ate a lot! It was so good - and I didn’t have to cook it!) The girls went repelling - what a blast! I chose to opt out this year… but, I did do it last year…it’s a long way down!

We also went fishing and canoeing. Didn’t get any pictures of that because Emma was getting a little fussy by this time.

Then it was dinner time. After dinner was the talent show. That was great fun. Kaitie and Mandy wrote their own skit and starred in another one with some friends. Mandy also recited a poem. As for the other girls? Lots of cute stuff and lots and lots of Hannah Montana, lots.

After dinner we went on a hay ride and had a bonfire. Let me tell you there is something so awesome about worshipping God in the dark of night, under a clear sky with tons of stars shining in the sky. Hearing all the Moms and daughters… it gave me chills.

Sunday we had breakfast, worship service and some more free time. During free time, the girls decided to try out the new swing in the gym. It was crazy! They loved it of course!

So… a recap:
We hung out with each other
Got close to some horses
Some horses got close to us
We got a little closer to God

It was a good weekend

I hope I am not writing this prematurely, but a big change is happening in our family.

Many of you know, and some have even seen the challenges we have had with Jacob in the past year or two. He is such a wonderfuly kid. He has such a dynamic personality and can steal your heart. But, there is that other side of him. Now, many of these things can be said for alot of normal 4 year old boys, but Jake seems to take it to the extreme. He has no patience, and I mean none. He looses his temper quicker than anything and goes from zero to nearly uncontrolable in no time flat. He goes completey insane sometimes. My little man has gotten kicked out of two little kid gymnastics programs and rarerly makes through Sunday school without some kind of incident.

Marc and I have tried so many different discipline approaches, but nothing seems to work very long, if at all.

We have had people suggest that we get him into preschool. We are homeschoolers at our core and really dont want him in preschool… but, I will tell you we have thought long and hard and often about doing this, but, it just never seemed the right thing to do.

I am sad to say that we have even thought about medications. Something that Marc and I are both seriously against. The funny thing is that we never talked about it together but we both silently contemplated it.

OK, so here is where the hope comes in. I stumbled across a website which led me to a few a blogs. These Moms were talking about the same issues with their kids that we are having with Jake… and they had a solution! Thankfully it wasnt feeding him to a pack of wolves or anythig crazy like that. It was a change in his diet.

Marc and I had discussed that before, that we needed to get him off sugar, but these woman were saying that it wasnt the sugar, it is all the additives and artificial stuff that causes the problems.

We discussed the issue and decided to give it a whirl. Now the website that I got the information off of offers a program book anda database with acceptable foods, but we werent going there just yet. We thought, lets gve it a week on our own and see what happens. Yesterday was our first day.

Want to know how it went?

In one word: AWESOME!

Marc and I were talking it over last night and, although we dont want to get our hopes up, we couldnt believe the events of the day. There was no freaking out. No yelling, no screaming. No getting kicked out of the playroom at the gym. He took a bath for 1 1/2 hours with the girls with no fighting! I didnt hear any of them complain about anything the entire time! ( A small miracle) I promised Jake some fresh bread for dinner and it wasnt ready in time. Usually he would freak out and start crying and yelling about it. But, when I told him it wasnt ready he just said “ok, can I have some when its done?” This is where I fell over in full cardiac arrest. (ok, not really, but I coudlnt believe it!)

Oh, by the way, all this was without a nap too! Unbelievable.

This morning has been great so far too. We had one inncident that went so differently than it used to. He didnt want to put away his Leapster to eat and when I made him, he got a little upset, but it was normal kid upset not crazy upset.

So, if you have a moment today, please keep us in your prayers. I am really hoping and praying that this is going to help us in the long run. Somwhat for our sanity, but really for my little guy. I love him so much and I dont want to see him have to struggle with this.

Thanks!

Our dog Samson has been with us since he was 6 weeks old. We went to the pet store and picked him out and up the first day he was there. He is now about 11 1/2 years old. Fairly old for a big dog.

He has always been in decent health, except for his allergies which require frequent shots. The past few days his breathing has been kind of labored and just yesterday we noticed that he was having some problems getting up the stairs.

We passed the breathing off as allergies (he is overdue for his shot) and the climbing problems as he is just old and its been cold etc…

Well, I took him into the vets today thinking they would agree with me, give him his shot ans he would be his normal self in a day or two. Sadly, that is not what happened.

Marc has to help me get him into the car, which has never happened and then he was sliding all over the place. He actually fell off the car seat at one point. When we got the the doctors he layed down and just couldnt get up. They had to bring out a stretcher and carry him back.

The doc examined him and did some tests and x-rays. She explained that his heart was very enlarged, probably due to fluid around it. He had a fluid build up in his abdomen and his white cell count was off the charts.

She went on the tell me that he may not make it through the night and is he did it is more than likely the beggining of the end. I cried. Katie, who was with me cried. The vet cried. She said she felt so bad that what is suppose to be such a joyous time for our family was turning so sad.

I am so very sad right now. There is such a big part of me that doesnt want him to suffer at all and to go ahead and pass in the night. But… and its a big but, the real and selfish side of me doesnt want to let go. Darn it, I love that dumb dog. He is our orginal baby. Great, now I’m crying again.

I guess thats it, I just needed to vent a little. I am so praying that tonight I DO NOT go into labor so that I can be with my first baby. Hopefully he will make it through and he can get his heart ultrasound tomorrow and some fluid drained. I am hoping for a miracle. Hoping that that will happen and he will be back to his old self in no time.

ADDED: 9:30pm

Its over.

I was at gymnastics picking up Kaitie when Marc called to tell me Samson had passed.

It happened so quick, for that I guess I am thankful.

We are all going to miss him. He was a great dog and we have alot of great memories of him.