The Kubler-Ross model aka “The Five Stages of Grief”
Have you heard of it? Do you know what it is?
I was vaguely familiar with it, I think we all are. But I don’t think I had ever experienced real grief before.
I have lost loved ones, but now looking back, I wonder if my reaction to those losses were just from a “circle of life” viewpoint.
Man… That all changed Dec 27th 2010 when my Father, my Daddy was diagnosed with Glioblastgoma.
My wonderful husband was the first to receive the news. I was in the kitchen making breakfast when my Mom called. He walked in the kitchen and calmly told me what was going on. He was mid-sentence when I simply held my hand up and walked away. There I was, a picture perfect example of “Fight or Flight” and I was flying as fast as I could.
The next few hours were a blur as I packed my clothes and kids up and headed out on the 16 hour car trip.
We stopped for the night and sleep was very hard to come by. At this point all we knew was that there was a “mass” in the right frontal lobe of his brain and we would find out tomorrow what we were dealing with after his surgery to remove the tumor.
I prayed. I drove. I prayed some more. I prayed a lot.
Finding out it was Glioblastoma was like a hard punch in the stomach that deep down I knew was coming. I tried to remain positive and hopeful that first day, but knowing how big it was and how it seemed like it was suddenly just “there” I knew that the odds of it being nothing were not in our favor.
So… here is where we come to the Five Stages of Grief.
Stage 1: DENIAL When we found out what we were dealing with and the sad fact that the average survival rate is only 14 months, I simply shook my head and said “That’s ok” I quickly pulled out the laptop and went to work. I spent a lot of time in the Critical Care Unit Lounge at the hospital and put it to good use. I devised a plan where my Dad would come live with us. I would cook him these awesome low-carb totally organic meals with lots of awesome supplements like green tea and spirulina and loads of other stuff I was concocting in my head. This stage lasted for about a week, until I started realizing that there was a good chance that he may not make it out of the hospital.
Stage 2: ANGER This is actually kind of a funny one to relate. Anger is a funny thing sometimes. So… who or what did I get anger with. Oh, random strangers in the grocery store. I would see this guy who was pretty old and I would get so angry! I wanted to yell at him and scream at him. Why did he get to walk around all fancy-free while my Dad who was a young 67 was laying in a hospital bed dying. Thankfully I never actually did yell at anyone, but believe me when I say I did have to exercise restraint a few times. I also felt anger at Gabby Giffords. The Congesswoman from Arizona was shot on Jan 8th and I remember sitting in the CCU lounge wondering why there was such a big fuss. I knew my Dad was a much better person than she is… but nobody was making a big deal over him. Yeah… Anger (and a bit delusional too)
Stage 3: BARGAINING There wasn’t a lot of this, but it was there. Begging and pleading to God… “Just one more day Lord. Just one more conversation.” Maybe what helped lessen this stage was the fact that I knew, I know, how much he loved me. And, I know that he knew how much I loved him. I think That helped.
Stage 4: DEPRESSION This is a funny one. Why? I’m glad you asked. Its funny because it took me so long to realize I was in it. I swore, back in March, when I got settled back home and things were sort of back to normal, that I had delt with his death. That I was ok. Oh… what a foolish girl I was. It hit me. It hit me hard. I think it got progressively worse too as the holidays were approaching. I was dreading Christmas and the impending anniversaries (the day he was diagnosed, the day of his surgery, the day he went into a coma, blah,blah,blah) If I felt this bad now, how was I going to feel when those days came. It scared me. But a miraculous thing happened Christmas day…
Stage 5: ACCEPTANCE I woke up and I was ok. I was ok the next day too… and the day after.
There is no way I can share with you how bad I miss him. I hear a song, or see something that reminds me of him and I get sad and cry a bit. I see a movie or a tv show that I know he would love and I’ve actually picked up the phone before I realize… and it makes me sad.
It will never be alright. I will always miss my Daddy. But…it will be ok. It will be tolerable. I am now just trying to be aware of every day and doing things that make me happy and that honor his life.
Let me go get a new lens. Man… I have missed shooting!
