January 2nd, 2012

Last year I was super excited to participate in Project 365.

I took my first picture bright and early on Jan 1st.

It was the door to the Critical Care Unit at the UT Hospital in Knoxville. On the other side of that door lay my Daddy.

I quickly realized that for the foreseeable future, this would be basically be all that my days would cover. Looking back, I could have put forth some effort and looked for the beauty around me. But, I just didn’t have it in me.

So, I am super excited to participate this year!

Day 1

Emma in her new bed

We switched beds around and Emma ended up with Jake’s old bed. It’s one of the Kura loft beds from Ikea. She loved it so much! So much that she put herself to bed very early. Kaitie saw the light was on in her room and went to turn it off. She found Emma curled up with a blanket, snoozing away.

January 1st, 2012

The past few years I have had these grandiose plans to completely overhaul my life, my family, my house and everything else I could dream of.

This year is no different.

Now before you laugh, let me tell you why this year IS different.

Its because “I” am different.

I have learned to let go of so much baggage and so many of my issues, especially when it comes to perfection.

I know not everything may go as planned. Things may need adjusting. Things may just completely fail. But - I’m giving t a go anyway!

My New Years resolution is: To have a better year than I did last year.

Hey! That’s easy enough, right?

My goal is: To Get My Act Together.

I can do it.

December 30th, 2011

The Kubler-Ross model aka “The Five Stages of Grief”

Have you heard of it? Do you know what it is?

I was vaguely familiar with it, I think we all are. But I don’t think I had ever experienced real grief before.

I have lost loved ones, but now looking back, I wonder if my reaction to those losses were just from a “circle of life” viewpoint.

Man… That all changed Dec 27th 2010 when my Father, my Daddy was diagnosed with Glioblastgoma.

My wonderful husband was the first to receive the news. I was in the kitchen making breakfast when my Mom called. He walked in the kitchen and calmly told me what was going on. He was mid-sentence when I simply held my hand up and walked away. There I was, a picture perfect example of “Fight or Flight” and I was flying as fast as I could.

The next few hours were a blur as I packed my clothes and kids up and headed out on the 16 hour car trip.

We stopped for the night and sleep was very hard to come by. At this point all we knew was that there was a “mass” in the right frontal lobe of his brain and we would find out tomorrow what we were dealing with after his surgery to remove the tumor.

I prayed. I drove. I prayed some more. I prayed a lot.

Finding out it was Glioblastoma was like a hard punch in the stomach that deep down I knew was coming. I tried to remain positive and hopeful that first day, but knowing how big it was and how it seemed like it was suddenly just “there” I knew that the odds of it being nothing were not in our favor.

So… here is where we come to the Five Stages of Grief.

Stage 1: DENIAL When we found out what we were dealing with and the sad fact that the average survival rate is only 14 months, I simply shook my head and said “That’s ok” I quickly pulled out the laptop and went to work. I spent a lot of time in the Critical Care Unit Lounge at the hospital and put it to good use. I devised a plan where my Dad would come live with us. I would cook him these awesome low-carb totally organic meals with lots of awesome supplements like green tea and spirulina and loads of other stuff I was concocting in my head. This stage lasted for about a week, until I started realizing that there was a good chance that he may not make it out of the hospital.

Stage 2: ANGER This is actually kind of a funny one to relate. Anger is a funny thing sometimes. So… who or what did I get anger with. Oh, random strangers in the grocery store. I would see this guy who was pretty old and I would get so angry! I wanted to yell at him and scream at him. Why did he get to walk around all fancy-free while my Dad who was a young 67 was laying in a hospital bed dying. Thankfully I never actually did yell at anyone, but believe me when I say I did have to exercise restraint a few times. I also felt anger at Gabby Giffords. The Congesswoman from Arizona was shot on Jan 8th and I remember sitting in the CCU lounge wondering why there was such a big fuss. I knew my Dad was a much better person than she is… but nobody was making a big deal over him. Yeah… Anger (and a bit delusional too)

Stage 3: BARGAINING There wasn’t a lot of this, but it was there. Begging and pleading to God… “Just one more day Lord. Just one more conversation.” Maybe what helped lessen this stage was the fact that I knew, I know, how much he loved me. And, I know that he knew how much I loved him. I think That helped.

Stage 4: DEPRESSION This is a funny one. Why? I’m glad you asked. Its funny because it took me so long to realize I was in it. I swore, back in March, when I got settled back home and things were sort of back to normal, that I had delt with his death. That I was ok. Oh… what a foolish girl I was. It hit me. It hit me hard. I think it got progressively worse too as the holidays were approaching. I was dreading Christmas and the impending anniversaries (the day he was diagnosed, the day of his surgery, the day he went into a coma, blah,blah,blah) If I felt this bad now, how was I going to feel when those days came. It scared me. But a miraculous thing happened Christmas day…

Stage 5: ACCEPTANCE I woke up and I was ok. I was ok the next day too… and the day after.

There is no way I can share with you how bad I miss him. I hear a song, or see something that reminds me of him and I get sad and cry a bit. I see a movie or a tv show that I know he would love and I’ve actually picked up the phone before I realize… and it makes me sad.

It will never be alright. I will always miss my Daddy. But…it will be ok. It will be tolerable. I am now just trying to be aware of every day and doing things that make me happy and that honor his life.

April 10th, 2011

Right before Christmas… Luke got hold of my camera and broke my main lens. I was so heartbroken! Mainly because we didnt have the funds to replace it. Well, a few weeks ago we got a check that was totally unexpected. Marc, being the wonderful guy he is :) Let me go get a new lens. Man… I have missed shooting!

So happy to be back in the swing of things.

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You may not know it by looking at this picture… but she is one silly girl.

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Love this one! Hes got that “You have got to be kidding” look on his face.

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My little binkie boy.

February 15th, 2011

When Dad first got sick I had a hard time with the reality that life was going on. I wanted to climb to the top of the highest mountain and shout to the world

“STOP! MY DAD IS SICK!!!”

Not out of selfishness - but because that was the kind of man my Dad was. The kind of man the world should have stopped for.

Honor. Courage. Commitment.
The Marine Corps Core Values that were drilled into me in bootcamp.
Honor. Courage. Commitment.
These ideas were not foreign to me. Looking back I realized that my Dad modeled these traits for me everyday.

Honor:
Be proud of who you are. Respect everyone. Do not lie, steal or cheat. If you do? Well, as he liked to say “You do the crime, you pay the time.” Yes, I know that wasn’t an original line - but it will forever, in my mind, be credited to my Dad.

Courage:
Be strong in your convictions. Know what you believe in and ALWAYS stand up for others.

Commitment:
This was the big one. You don’t run away. You don’t leave. You don’t back down.
I didn’t understand this as a child. I questioned it as an teenager. I respected it as an adult.
My Dad created a fighter in me. I fight for what I want. I fight for what I believe in and above all, I fight for my family.

As I was writing this I tried over and over again to put into eloquent sentences the kind of man my Dad was and honestly, as as words failed me time and time again, I realized that if you are sitting here this afternoon, you know the kind of man my Dad was. I don’t need to convince you of his worth or of his character. So, I hope you can understand and enjoy the fact that the best way way to explain my Dad is to say

HE TOTALLY ROCKED!

Seriously, he did.

Asides from the fact that he survived my teenage years and still loved me and claimed me as his daughter - my Dad is the guy that…
Gave me a love of reading
Taught me how to think for myself
Ate all of my cooking growing up - the good and the bad
Stayed up late at night with me, debating
Taught me how to drive
Didn’t kill me when I wrecked his truck
Didn’t kill me when I wrecked his jeep
Didn’t kill me when I wrecked his truck again (that time wasn’t my fault though!)
Taught me what malt-o-meal was all about
Taught me how to beat up boys
Snuck Reeses cups with me
Bundled Michael and I up and took us to The Gorge when it was 25 below zero out
Taught me how to ride a bike
Taught me how to shoot a gun
Bought me corsages at Easter
Give me a crazy love for Christmas
Rescued me when I needed it
Took us to breakfast picnics at Sandrun Park
Let me camp out for concert tickets… once
Encouraged me to dream
Caught me when I fell
Laughed at me when I deserved it
Hugged me when I wanted it
Grounded me when I needed it
Embraced my husband with open arms
And became the best Grandpa the world has ever seen!

The greatest gift I ever received was the night after his surgery. I arrived at the hospital at 11pm and sat with Dad till 5:30 the next morning. We talked. We laughed. We cried. We shared. We shared stories, secrets and love… just like we always did. I was “almost” perfect.

Michael J Cochran. Mike. Mickey. Mick.
Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Friend.
All of these can describe him, but to me he will always be
MY Daddy.

(This is what I wrote and read at my Dad’s memorial service in Ohio 2/5/11)

February 10th, 2011

Those who know me in “real life” know the changes I, we have been going through the past 6 weeks.

Without going into the long drawn out story, I will try to condense it the beast I can.

Dec 27th My mom called to tell me my dad was sick, in the the hospital, diagnosed with a “mass” in his brain and scheduled for surgery the following morning.

I was able to grab some of my kids and hit the road. I made it to Knoxville the next day shortly after his surgery was finished. My Dad was diagnosed with a “Glioblastoma Multiforme” a very aggressive, stage 4 cancer.

The first 48 hours post-op were great and we were thinking that Dad may even be able to go home in a few days. Sadly, around the 48 hour mark swelling set in and dad started dealing with aggressive and cognitive reasoning and had to be heavily sedated. During the following weeks my dad developed Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome which led to organ failure.

My dad passed away Jan 24th 2011 at 67 years old.

He was awesome.

He was the best.

I miss him.

I am in Tennessee right now preparing to move my mom and 2 brothers in with my family. My two families are becoming one.

This means that since just before Christmas, when my brother-in-law moved in with us, till now we are going from a family of 7 to a family 11.

I think I am REALLY going to need to get my act together.

December 16th, 2010

Christmas

September 13th, 2010

We were walking into church together, holding hands.

He snuggles up to me and takes a big sniff.

Jake: Did you take a shower today?

Me: Yes, why?

J: You smell like a unicorn.

M: (starting to panic. I’m thinking he’s telling me I smell like horse poo or something) Really? Oh.

J: Yes. You smell like a nice unicorn riding on a rainbow where there are chocolate covered coins at the end.

M: Ummm… thanks?

You know… I have heard some pretty weird things come out of my kids mouth. Jake is no exception, he can come up with some pretty funny stuff.

But this? This was just about the craziest thing I have ever heard from the poster child of testosterone that is my son.

I love that crazy kid.

Posted in Funnies, Jake | 3 Comments »
September 7th, 2010

Wordless? Me? Oh that’s funny!

Thank goodness for WordFUL Wednesday

Looking through some pictures on Marc’s phone a few weeks ago and stumbled on these. I hadn’t seen them before.

8 months ago today I gave birth to my baby at home.

It was glorious.

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More wonderful Wordful Wednesday posts can be found at SevenClownCircus

September 7th, 2010

I’m not big on “ME” time.

Let me rephrase that - I love ME time, but I don’t really see the need for it often or in big chunks. Instead I prefer little snips of time. A quick trip to the store by myself usually does wonders!

Well, last Saturday, I was feeling a little crazy and wanted some of that ME time.

Marc had been to McDonalds a little earlier and had ordered an extra chicken sandwich.

The kids were all occupied, playing and watching a movie… I saw an opportunity!

I escaped to the bathroom with the sandwich and the laptop. I jumped into a bubblebath, ate my chicken sandwich and watched a little Netflix.

Ahhhhhh - bliss. Weird, but wonderful bliss.

That’s how I do “ME” time. What about you? What’s your ME time look like? What’s the weirdest way you’ve relaxed?

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